Ten Match Commandments

Many people mistake the song “Ten Crack Commandments” by Christopher Wallace, AKA Notorious B.I.G., as a list of rules dictated by an authority on dealing crack cocaine in Brooklyn. In all truth, it is not. It is clearly an outline for the online dating scene. There may be similarities to the two leisurely activities, but who is the common man to speculate? We can take the words we are given and provide perspective to them. The opening lyrics state:

I’ve been in this game for years,

it’s made me an animal.

There’s rules to this shit,

so I wrote me a manual.

A step-by-step booklet

for you to get your game on track.

It is hard to imagine this being interpreted any other way when taking the laid-out rules into context. The game is real, and the commandments remain true through time. For me, it has been just over three years since I have used Tinder, Bumble, or Coffee Meets Bagel as a young 24-year-old in Atlanta. Which, at one point, I was deemed a hedonist when I grabbed a beer bottle and took a swig mid-coitus on my kitchen island. This is a sequel to the epic poem shared through verbal storytelling to the willing audience over the past few years. Now, I am 27, in Chicago, and it has come time for me to return to the sacred scriptures of this brazen prophet while dawning my hedonist hat and eagerly swiping.

Rule nombre uno: Never let no one know how much dough you hold.

Bragging is an extremely easy default for most in terms of attempting to hook-up. Saying “I work here and make this much” is great but can attract those looking to milk you for nice meals and leaving you with a peck on the cheek and overfilled balls. Not the milking you were looking for. We are more sophisticated than that after all. Use your words to charm those pants off that date of yours.

Rule number two: Never let ‘em know your next move.

This should be relatively obvious, but it is good to keep in mind while trying to differentiate yourself from the competitive pool of mediocrity they are likely talking to along with you. Keep them guessing and divulge yourself along the way. But not in like a Louis CK way with unsolicited garbage. Read the room. Do not be afraid, however, it may be permissible and eventually encouraged to introduce a sexual tone to your conversation for intentionality. Become a cunning linguist but be equitable about it. Consensually tango with your potential partner.

Rule number three: Never trust nobody.

Don’t be daft when it comes to meeting strangers. Biggie left it at that.

Rule number four: Never get high on your own supply.

Your friends in relationships may want to set you up on dates with their significant other’s close friends. Unless you are trying to marry on a blind date like some antiquated third world tradition, just say “no” and “thank you”. Clearly the odds have increased for the likelihood of sex due to the curation of a date via mediators. The risks outweigh the reward here by making it awkward with your friend. Imagine not being invited to your buddy’s wedding because a few months before invitations went out you fucked a last-minute-decision bridesmaid due to her being a sorority sister with your friend’s fiancé and you were into something weird. Or she was. I mean who has a hang up about their tits being played with WHILE you have pierced nipples? I already bought a new suit for Tyler’s wedding, Jessica!

Rule number five: Never sell no crack where you rest at.

The understanding here is that you do not want clingers to know where you live, but I am going to call Biggie out for being a prude on this one. You can and should take someone back to your place. Think about the homefield advantage of knowing where the extra Charmin and spare matches are if you wake up first in the morning? It is almost an exclusive decision unless you have roommates/parents you live with, and the other party does not. Also, a good closer you can keep is “How about you come over and we grab coffee in the morning at this wonderful place around the corner?” Never neglect the homefield advantage.

Rule number six: That God damned credit; dead it.

Imagine a date being out of your league and you are led to believe the only way to bed them is a trip to the Playpen in a boat on Lake Michigan or a hot air balloon ride over a field of tulips and poppies. Unless you are paying with cash how about settle for a stroll through your local botanical gardens or along the lake front. The tulips smell better closer anyways. Know how much you can and want to spend on a date. The universe is far too big to throw down a grand on Caitlyn who works in marketing for a conglomerate. If she’s that high maintenance, you can empty your coin purse from pictures of her at the Playpen in a bikini on some other guy’s boat at no cost at all. Your moment of clarity and wallet will thank you.

Seven: Keep your family and business completely separated.

The excitement of the whole online dating world might sound far more superior than your uncle’s strategy of how he mows his lawn to get “just the right lines” at your family’s Memorial Day cookout. Your cousins and aunt do not want to hear about the girl who took you to a strip club on a date and got you both kicked out. Nor about the girl who introduced you to light choking and gave you a bloody nose. How about we tell Nana we have been focusing on our careers while single?

Number eight: Never keep no weight on you.

Humans have limited capacity for anything and everything. With that said, your peak capacity is reached when you are in an Uber on the way to a date and frantically scrolling through text conversations to figure out if this is the one with jealousy issues toward her sister or had a father die or both. You simply cannot juggle too much. Take it easy Don Juan, you are not the pipe laying romantic you think you are.

Number nine: If you ain’t getting bagged stay the fuck from the police.

Deal with shit on your own. There isn’t anything wrong with ghosting someone early on but if you keep someone on the hook for a bit too long or they turn out to be crazy, you can’t hope for some third party or, inevitably, the cops to get involved when the foreseeable straw breaks the camel’s back.

Number ten: A strong word called consignment. Strictly for live men; not for freshman.

Under promise and over deliver when selling yourself to a new person (freshman in this phrasing). It is alright to talk a game with someone who has already competed and experienced your performance. Never tell someone you hope they can handle you and if they are ready to stay up all night getting that good. What if you can only muscle a warm-up before you decide they were hotter or uglier or just incompatible? No receiver nor giver of all that hype wants to be in that position.

With the “Ten Match Commandments”, Biggie leaves us with these warnings if we do not follow his commandments:

Follow these rules and you’ll have mad bread to break up.

If not, 24 years on the wakeup.

Slug hit your temple, watch the frame shake-up.

Your girl fucked my man Jake up.

Heard she sniffed a whole half of cake up.

She can suck a dick and can hook half a steak up.

Word up.

Which I take to mean that if you do not follow these guidelines you may wake up with a 24-year-old that will hit you in the head and screw your pal, Jake. Then she will develop a crack problem despite her ability to cook and fellate. This may come off as a personal anecdote, but rules do come from experience. With that, I have a few additional rules I picked up: if you are an alcoholic never let someone keep up with your drinks, jerk-off before each date, seek out women named Rebecca, never go to dinner or a movie on a first date, shit an hour and fifteen minutes before a date, clean your balls after, do not talk about your mother longer than two minutes, and always try to position yourself near an A/C unit. Word up.